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3:30 p.m. - 2004-08-16
Flowers, Cake, and Seriously Uncomfortable Underwear
Flowers, Cake, and Seriously Uncomfortable Underwear

Perhaps it's because I've never been married, but what the fuck is the big deal with weddings? I was taking a smoke break with one of my co-workers last week, and another smoker we know wanders into the break room. This acquaintance is an attorney, she's 27-ish, and she's usually not very high drama. She's been engaged for a while, but I guess now, they're actually making plans. Said plans are at least 6 months away, and she is flipping the hell out. Even more interesting is the fact that her best friend just got married, and she was doing her share of bitching about it.

Anyway, her freak-out centered around the following:

1. Her dad has plenty of dough, but her stepmom is the cheapest human being alive. She can't get a number from them on what they will pay toward the wedding. Said stepmonster also expects her to only invite 100 people….which would basically limit it to family only. (Ah, modern life with its steps and halves and adopteds and pseudo-relatives.)

2. She wants to go to Mexico, but wants cheap flights/hotels for all of her friends. If she gets the cheap flights, the times suck, and if the times are good, the price sucks.

3. She's okay with eloping, if it means her dad will give them the money he would have spent on the wedding…but only if it's over $10,000.

Okay. Let's stop here for a moment. TEN GRAND for ONE DAY??? Actually, that's really not even possible. You'll spend that on the caterer. It's not even a whole day. It's like 4 hours.

I'm a girl, and I guess I'm supposed to understand this. But I don't. Most of this stupid fairy-tale shit appears to cause nothing but stress. Even though you (or your family) are blowing five figures, you don't get exactly what you want…you have to compromise on the dress or the flowers or the photos or the cake or the liquor or the guest list….blah blah blah. Not to mention, you will drive each and every one of your friends insane with your requests for help with stupid shit that only you care about….and your fashion choices for their bridesmaid dresses. Your fiancé will not give a rat's ass. He will just want to get to the vacation and sex part.

The "wedding industry" is out of control. Instead of being a happy occasion where you are committing your life to someone you love, you end up almost hating them and everyone else you know. Instead of sharing this happiness with family and friends, you feel like you can't enjoy anything because one of the mothers isn't happy and your underwear is stabbing new and interesting parts of your body and you're wearing a dress that weighs 75 pounds. Plus, you haven't slept or eaten in two days.

Then, of course, there's the gift issue. There are a zillion showers, most guests get invited to more than one, and buy gifts for each….plus get zinged for a wedding gift, too. Now, let me just say something here. I am 30 years old, and my towels don't match, I don't have nice dishes or flatware, my bedding came from Target, and I don't think I own one item of furniture that didn't either (a) come out of a box, (b) come from my family or friends or (c) come from a garage sale. I don't own an espresso maker, or a blender that will crush ice, or a sandwich maker. So, in my opinion, some little snot-nosed 22 year old doesn't need this shit either! Plus, the odds are in favor of divorce, which means you'll have a 25 year old with nicer stuff than you….all because she found a man who wasn't a dick. Allegedly. To me, that should be its own reward. If they both have jobs, they can go buy their own shit. I'm not buying people who are younger than I am nicer stuff than I have; and if they're older, they already have stuff. Second weddings (and third, and fourth) should be gift-free.

I think big weddings should be illegal. I think you should throw the big party when people get divorced. That's when they need help, and that's when they need stuff. Either that, or everyone who's 30 and unmarried should get the money from family & friends that would have been spent on a wedding….so they can pay off their loans, put a down payment on a house, and/or buy some matching stuff and furniture which does not require assembly. Then, if they DO get married, they can pay for it themselves. They'll end up eloping.



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