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12:58 p.m. - 2004-08-26
Pull Over....It's the Fashion Police
Pull Over…It's the Fashion Police

One of my favorite things to do is people watch….pretty much anywhere. The office, the mall, the airport, restaurants, Wal-Mart, the gym…I try to be a nice person, and not judge people based upon their clothes. Sometimes, however, the mistakes are so glaring, they are impossible to ignore. My years of study have led me to several conclusions.

1. There are a disproportionate number of people who do not now and have never owned a full length mirror, nor do they pay attention to their reflections in doors, windows, or puddles.

2. As a plus-size (but shrinking) woman, I am glad that the fashion choices have improved for fat chicks. However, there are certain items that should not be offered for sale in plus-size shops or departments, because people will buy them…and wear them in public. Among these are very short, pleated miniskirts; very short skirts of any kind; clingy tops which show off little except fat rolls; legging-type pants; bikini swimsuits; short-shorts; and tube tops. Additionally, some items should require approval before purchase, like sleeveless tops, hip huggers, anything sheer or semi-sheer, skirts above the knee, and items which are very fitted. Further, I don't care what size you are…even size 4's look fat when crammed into size-two jeans and an XS shirt. Make sure those low-rise pants are wider than the fat rolls, girls….and if that means buying a larger size, cut the fucking tag out and get over it. This goes for men too. Your waist is nowhere near your ass crack, and if you have to wear your pants that low, buy some new pants.

3. Electric blue is never an appropriate shade of makeup. Your foundation should match your face. You should not have to use more than one washcloth to get your makeup off in the evening. When a new man sees you for the first time without makeup, he should still think you are the same person he went to bed with.

4. If you have to ask if your butt looks fat in those pants, it does. Or you will think it does, which means you'll feel all grumpy and insecure all night, so just don't wear them.

5. Tan fat looks better than white fat.

6. Navy blue does not go with black. Mixing patterns is generally a bad idea on your clothing, although it can be fun in your housewares.

7. Brown or navy or white shoes do not go with black pants or skirts, ever. Camel shoes are far more versatile than white, and tend to look more like grown-up shoes and less like a 4-year-old on Easter Sunday.

8. A mullet is never an appropriate haircut.

What really motivated me to write this entry is this chick who works in the office down the hall. We're talking dark side of 40, dark side of 200 lbs., dark side of the bleach bottle….and wears clothing which showcases her lovely collection of cellulite and fake tan (it's SO orange). Whenever I feel insecure, I just remind myself that things could be worse. I could be wearing a black pleated micromini. With white shoes. And think it looks SO hot.



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