11:31 a.m. - 2004-11-18
As I'm sitting here at my desk, avoiding work because I'm just not in the mood to read about the stupid crap which compels some people to go to the doctor, I am wondering what I want to say in today's diary missive. And the answer? Nothing. Nothing at all. So, you may ask, then why update? To me, this is parallel to my weight-loss project. Every time I've kept a journal in the past (which is intermittently since the age of 7), I go on these streaks where I write a lot, and then pretty much forget it exists for three months or six months or a year. I guess I'm as streaky with pouring out my heart as I am with everything else.
I'm sure right now you're thinking, okay, whatever, Loopy, but what correlation does weight loss have to writing in a journal? Well, kids, it's all about self-discipline….which, let's face it, I kind of lack sometimes. Actually, which I kind of lack a lot of the time. This is not a new problem. I'm easily bored. Therefore, once I attain a minimum mastery level of a task, I see no need to continue doing it long enough to become an expert. Well, except video games. But those are my way of avoiding other things I need to be doing (i.e., cleaning my house, going to the gym, etc.) From the time I was a kid, I gave up quickly on anything that required practice. Softball. Swim team. Piano. Even when I participated in activities I enjoyed, I had no work ethic. I just coasted by on natural talent. I got away with this because a lot of people are really stupid and/or untalented.
I figured out the hard way that coasting along and slacking at a job is a bad idea. So for the last five years or so, I've worked my ass off at work. Up until recently, I was able to stave off the boredom because I had jobs where I had way too much to do. However, once I started this job, I quickly realized that getting bored was a possibility (okay, a certainty.) My job was not taxing in any way. Because of this, I was bored at home, too.
Here lately, though, it's really taken some motivation on my part to keep going to the gym. Participating in the Total Body Challenge WAS helping, but now that I've gotten FuckStick's routine down, it's not compelling me to exhibit that much effort. I have not been in the mood to do any cardio crap, either, which is really bad, seeing as how I have been in the mood to eat junk food.
What I'm getting at is that I need to learn that just because something is not new, different, and fun, I need to keep doing it anyway because I have a goal in mind. In the past, even though I had daydreams, they weren't goals. They were just the fantasies of a smart person in a stupid world. They were a combination of self-loathing and overconfidence. Goals are attainable. Maybe not easily attainable, but realistically attainable. But achieving these goals requires self-discipline.
So that's what I'm trying to do in my life….baby steps toward becoming a more disciplined person. Knowing that "because I don't feel like it right now" is not a valid excuse most of the time. I'm making progress….but sometimes, my body feels like it is rebelling against my mind. I don't want to write, because I don't feel like I have anything new and different to say. However, I would like (someday) to be able to make a living by writing. Everything I have read on the subject indicates that the most important thing to do is write every day, even if it's crap, even if you don't "feel inspired," even if you would rather just not do it.
Same deal with losing weight and being healthy. Weight loss is the immediate goal. It cannot be achieved by (a) sitting on my ass and (b) eating a bunch of food which has no nutritional value. In the past, I have always had these "thin and gorgeous" fantasies, but they were usually taking place while I was washing down M & M's with a Dr. Pepper. I didn't do anything about it. I am proud of the fact that, for the last 8 months, I have gone to the gym at least 5 times a week (well, except when I had mono). I have at least made improvements in my eating habits. I have lost almost 60 pounds. I am trying to keep this in my head. Trying to let the pride from these accomplishments provide momentum to keep me moving forward. Be thrilled when I feel a muscle get bigger or can do another five minutes on the elliptical trainer or not feel like I've just grown a hernia after I do some crunches. Be excited when my NEW clothes get too big. Be able to look at a picture from last year and realize that, despite the current plateau, I have made a lot of progress. (No, I'm not posting the picture. Maybe when I'm closer to where I want to be.)
Writing is no different. I've been keeping this journal since the beginning of August. In the beginning, the only people who read it were my friends (and I bugged the complete crap out of them about it.) Now, I have readers. (And I love you guys, and your comments and notes and your diaries too.) But I still get this thrill when someone adds me as a favorite or comments for the first time. I hope I never lose that. Even if I never make a dime, I just want to giggle or dance around every time someone tells me that something I wrote touched them in some way.
Okay, I just looked at this. I sure went on for days for someone who had nothing to say….