11:01 p.m. - 2004-12-05
I feel slightly guilty. But not really. It's been so long since I had a day without plans, that I forgot how pleasurable being a slug could be.
Of course, though, when I do this "sit around the house" thing, I start thinking. And contemplating how lame my life is. See, most of the time, I'm really okay with who I am, what I do, how I think...sure, I have my self-improvement projects, but I don't generally think I'm a complete loser. However, then I come across one of the people near my age who actually has their shit together....and I read some things....and I start wondering exactly what I've done with my life.
I always know it's a bad sign when I tell people I meet how lame my career choice is, and start talking about how I'll probably go to graduate school one day, or how I would go, but it's expensive, the job market sucks, whatever. Those things are all true, I suppose. I just wonder why it is that I can never be content or proud of what I do for a living. I always feel like I have to kind of downplay, apologize, start using big words, prove I'm really smarter than that....
There I go, starting in the middle again...
I am a paralegal. I work in a big firm, reviewing medical records in a class-action lawsuit (for the defense...sure, representing the plaintiffs allows for a lot more righteous indignation, but defense work pays better, and I actually don't feel like I'm helping to screw anyone over. I do feel like I'm doing my bit to make sure that tort laws are not abused. Blah blah rant rant okay I'll get off the soapbox now.) I've been a paralegal since I finished college, almost 8 years ago. I got into this line of work quite by accident...BFRB2's husband (now ex, thankfully) had just finished law school and opened his own practice, I needed a paycheck, voila! Instant career choice. Then, when you try to apply for other kinds of jobs, they want experience...so you end up going to the employment agency and telling them you can do legal and they find you a job in 24 hours.
I guess the problem is this: I had started to feel like I had progressed so far from where I used to be, but basically, I'm in the same place with a cooler car. I was so excited when I got the job I have now, first because it pays much better than my last three jobs, but second, because there was an end. It lasts until the cases settle and/or go to trial. But I've been there for almost a year, and it's starting to feel like the same shit, different day, and I guess it's just making me wonder whether I will ever really have that break, that life-changing, striking out of the mold, hear me roar, moment again.
The last one I had was when I went off to college.
I think everyone needs to have those moments more than once.
I don't want mine to be because of some horrible tragedy in my life. I want it to be because of an action I have taken, not because of losing something I care about. I don't want my epiphanies to be in reaction to anything.
Unfortunately, they usually are.