9:10 a.m. - 2004-12-07
What is it, really, then? The anticipation. The waiting for presents, waiting for food, waiting for planes to arrive, waiting for parties, waiting for the bonus check, waiting for a day or two off work….
In case ya'll haven't figured this out, I'm not what you'd call a patient person. I want everything to just HAPPEN already. I'm not good at waiting. I just want to get things over with and move on to the next thing. I've tried looking forward to things, but the problem is, when I do that, I expect them to be this life-altering experience, and usually, they're just … boring. This has gotten me into trouble in relationships….I don't like the "let's anticipate making out and seeing each other" thing, because basically, waiting bores me, and if I get bored, I'm no longer interested in pursuing whatever activity awaits. However, most guys seem to be more into the anticipating than the doing. Once they get to do what they want, then they're just not interested anymore. I guess I just think the "doing" is more fun than the "waiting."
I suppose that's why I'm kind of bored with work, too. I don't want to have to wait to get deadlines in the cases we have. Some of the other ones have them, and I was working on that for a few days, and I was all productive and motivated. Now….well, I'm back to trying to come up with new and interesting things to put in my diary and reading everyone else's diaries and trying to decide if I can buy everyone's Christmas shit online and e-mailing everyone in my address book….
The more I think about it, the more I realize that this culture is based on anticipation. The Evil Empire and their signs telling you how long it is to the next holiday. The decorating for holidays two months ahead of time. The previews that start appearing months before the movie or TV show. The far-off release dates for books. It's like the merchants want us to be in such a frenzy by the time something arrives that we are like starving pirhanas with a cow….we just devour whatever it is.
Hate to break this to you, corporate America, but your bullshit doesn't work on me. By the time you finally see fit to provide gratification, I've found a new project. About the only things I've actually bought the hype on are: (1) release of Fahrenheit 9/11, which I saw with BFRB and GID on opening night (and that was totally her doing, because I probably would have not waited in line or gone when it was crowded or any of that shit, because, well, that's what you're SUPPOSED to do) and (2) pre-ordering Book 5 of the Harry Potter series. Beyond that, I don't really give a rat's ass about "what's coming out." I usually just look when I go shopping and am pleasantly surprised when I see things that interest me.
Maybe that's the problem, at the core. It's that whole "you're supposed to feel this way or do this thing or act this way." When people tell me what to do, my first inclination is to do exactly the opposite. That's why I hate holidays. And graduations, and weddings, and baby showers, and all that crap. Too much anticipation for something that is usually boring as hell.