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9:24 p.m. - 2004-12-27
Snow, Sponge Bob, Spoons, and Southwest Suckage
..the rest of the story. For parts 1 & 2, click here and here....

Where was I? Oh yes, the snow. In Houston. I think the last time it snowed, I was in college....but I digress.

I had planned to spend Friday night with my brother and sister in law....

Here's another picture, featuring my brother and the turkey baster. God only knows why, but he's obsessed with it. We call it "THE BUUUUUUULB."

Anyway, at about 9, we were finished opening presents, eating dessert, and drinking coffee, and due to the snow, we decided to hit the road. My brother lives about 40 minutes from my mother, barring traffic/accidents/other obstacles. Well, this particular Christmas Eve was all about obstacles. We get on the freeway leading to his house, and promptly encounter a traffic jam. We were unable to see what was up, but just assumed it was an accident. A lot of people were making unscheduled U-turns and heading down the on-ramp. There wasn't anyone coming, of course. So SIL and I encourage my brother to follow their lead. He's all paranoid and won't do it. We get in the left-hand lane, see some flashing lights, but aren't moving. At one point, a cop attempts to drive up the left shoulder...where there's not much room. There is, however, a full lane on the RIGHT shoulder. But NO, Mr. Highway Patrolman has to MAKE EVERYONE MOVE OVER when THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO.

Finally, we get up to the patrol cars, and discover that there's not a wreck...they are just closing the elevated bridges due to ice. We are instructed to....make a U-turn and go down the on-ramp to the access road.

By this point, we're tired and need to perform various bathroom functions, but it's still a good 45 minutes to my brother's we entertain ourselves by making up words to the songs that are playing. All the words involve "butt cheeks."

Once we finally make it to the brother's house, we proceed to get most egregiously ripped, and torment his cat. This cat is psycho deluxe. She doesn't have a name, really. And she has a serious object fixation with (a) wooden spoons and (b) the toilet brush. BFRB enclosed a Christmas present for the kitty....

Also, we were able to bust out the gift I bought my brother...Jesus Laser Art!! Here's what it looks like with the lights's kind of hard to see. It's not very big. But trust me when I say that this is the tackiest. thing. ever.

And here it is, in all it's blazing lit-up glory:

(NOTE: I am not poking fun at anyone's beliefs, really....but I am completely ridiculing anyone who would seriously consider this objet d'art as any sort of featured home decoration. On the white trash scale, it's up there with "Elvis on Black Velvet.")

Late the next morning, we awaken and watch some Sponge Bob, eat some breakfast, smoke more, and I go back to bed. Around 3, we head back to my mother's house.

Ahhh, dysfunction. Mom is irritated with both my gramma and my stepfather. Mom & gramma are trying to cook dinner, and my grandmother wonders why we're making more potatoes, when we have leftovers. My mother and I inform her that leftover mashed potatoes are nasty and she can eat them but we're not.

Dinner, more loud TV, some not so good sleep.

Did you know that Southwest Airlines has this cool new thing where you can check in online and print your boarding pass? Since they do first-come, first-served seating, being in the first boarding group is essential to your traveling comfort. I did this for the flight to Houston, but due to the delays, it was useless. However, I held out a sliver of hope that I had used up all my airport bad luck for one trip and would have a nice, smooth flying experience.

Yeah, right.

I try to check in, and it informs me that I am not allowed to do this. Pissed off, I call them to find out if I have a new confirmation number due to all the flight finagling on the outbound trip. The confirmation number remains the same; however, since they messed with my reservation, I can't check in online. GRRRRRR. Therefore, I have to go to the airport ridiculously early, and I still end up in the second fucking boarding group. At least my plane was (a) on time and (b) not completely full.

When I arrived home, one of my kitties was glad to see me. The other two gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. Leaving is not allowed, and even though they miss me, they have to make sure I understand that I have horribly mistreated them, even though BFRB came over and gave them water and snacks and even though they had plenty of food.

Now, life is back to normal...for another year. I've been worn the hell out all day. I need a holiday.



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