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11:43 a.m. - 2004-12-31
I Resolve Not to Make any Resolutions
I hate New Year's Resolutions.

I know what you're thinking: Loopy, you hate everything. You always have to be fighting the norm. You're always bitching about something. You can't just go with the flow.

Nope, I can't.

To me, New Year's Resolutions contain implicit guilt. "I should be doing X, Y, and Z, but I'm not, so I'll promise myself that I'll do them TOMORROW, and I won't, and then I'll feel like more of a piece of shit."

I think the real issue is fear of change. You know, deep down, that what you're doing right now isn't working. Doesn't matter what it is: smoking, drinking, drugging, shopping, eating, procrastinating, being a slob....the whole point is, you're unhappy with yourself. Unhappiness, though, is a double-edged sword. One side of the blade cuts your self-esteem and makes you feel wounded, alone, and inadequate. The other side cuts your sense of hope: what if you make the changes, and you're still not as happy as you want to be? What if you fail at making the changes?

What if, what if, what if. Those two little words can paralyze you and kill your spirit.

It's taken me a long time to realize this.

I am the proverbial procrastinator. I am intelligent enough to know what I should be doing, but I don't. Over the years, I have rationalized this behavior in a variety of ways. I've said that I'm not conforming. I've said that I've seen people who have done things and they're still not happy, so why bother. I've felt like I'm not talented enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I've told myself that I'm above all these petty trivialities.


Unlike a lot of people, 2004 has been a good year for me. It's the year that I stopped thinking about doing things and just DID them:

~Went to the gym
~Got involved in several relationships
~Dumped the job that sucked
~Started an online diary
~Ditched a family holiday

This is the first time in my life that I've truly felt empowered. This is the first time in my life that I've been able to convince myself that the worst thing that could happen is I would still be in the same place a year from now. This is the first time I have allowed myself to realize that everything is not life or's life or a different life.

Instead of making this huge list of shit that needs to be fixed in my life, I'm going to make a list of the things that I'm looking forward to.

~Continuing to see what my body is capable of
~Relating to my parents on more of an adult level
~Looking at more career options and feeling like I can really do whatever I want
~Growing as a writer
~Facing the demons in my head and the skeletons in my closet, and finding out that they're not all that scary after all
~Being a good friend to the people I care about, and meeting some new ones
~Reading new books, hearing new music, seeing new things
~Going on vacation with my girlfriends
~Shopping somewhere that doesn't carry plus sizes
~Knowing that I'm doing everything I can to be a person I can be proud of

However, I'm sure I'll have my slacker moments, I'm sure I'll have my down times, I'm sure that I'll sometimes feel like giving myself a good solid kick in the ass. What I am going to do, though, is remember that when you stand still in the middle of the road, you can see the traffic. You can see the sky. You can see the trees and the grass and the cars and the flowers. But you're standing still, and the only things that can happen to you are the result of someone else's actions...a car runs you over, a car picks you up. If you put one foot forward, and another, you are going somewhere. Your eyes are still open, you still see the obstacles in your path, but you're moving toward somewhere else.

As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

I don't want to spend my life planning....I'd rather spend it DOING.

Happy New Year to all my new Diaryland friends. I'm so glad I've gotten to know all of you. I love comments and feedback and notes and e-mail, so if you're reading and haven't said hi, feel free. It's always so cool to hear what people have to say.



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