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9:25 p.m. - 2005-03-16
Kidnapped by Aliens...Brought Back Recipes
Let's see, my poor neglected little diary, where to begin?

First. I had a job interview today, but I believe the job would suck harder than a $10 whore. The interview was fine, and all, but the job? Sounds to me like they have some serious staffing problems. Chick let slip that she's looking to fill about 3 positions, and the office ain't that big. Makes me personally want to run screaming in the other direction. On the plus side, she didn't openly flinch when I told her how much money I wanted. So, if things are completely horrible and the choice is between the job and homelessness, I might not have much of a choice. No rule that says I have to love them forever, now, is there?

Second. I got a totally cool mix CD from this chickie, and it rocks. So does her diary, so you should read it if you're not.

Third. I went to get my nails done. This was uneventful, except for the weird chick. There was this completely freaky bitch there. She was old, and she had a bad haircut, and ugly glasses. These things, in and of themselves, would mean little...if she wasn't a completely rude ho-bag. See, a friend of my nail chick came in, wanted a nail fixed, and was waiting for my nail chick to get done with me. So she had pulled up a chair beside the station and was just shooting the shit. Well, she got up to do something, and in the meantime, weird freaky bitch proceeds to grab the chair and take it to the next station. Weird freaky bitch had been there a few minutes, and had SEEN the other girl sitting in that I kinda gave her a look. Not a really obnoxious one. But she sure as fuck gave me an obnoxious one BACK, complete with neck movement and pulsating irises. Okay, maybe not that last part, but it was definitely a shitty look which was about 90 kazillion times worse than the "I can't believe you just did that" look I gave her. Since I was kind of a captive, I couldn't go put the smackdown on her. Too bad.

Fourth. In an attempt to get off this stupid weight-loss plateau which has been dragging on for six months (and yes it's partly my fault for eating a bunch of crap, i.e., M & M's, Mike & Ike's, cheese enchiladas, and cheeseburgers, but I WAS going to the gym and I didn't eat that shit EVERY day), I have decided to follow the "Abs Diet." Now, I generally don't like "trendy" diets, because they usually involve rather unhealthy eating principles. However, this guy does seem to have a clue. The diet is balanced, is based on things like fresh veggies, lean meats, fruit, and whole-grain carbs.

Therefore, I've had to make several trips to various grocery emporiums to buy actual food that doesn't come in boxes.

Most of the items could be purchased at the Friendly Neighborhood Evil Empire, but a few required more drastic going to the Organic Hippie Store of Death, a/k/a, the Natural Foods Market.

Usually, I avoid those places like the plague. I mean, I have little use for stores that only sell allegedly healthy food. However, I had to buy ground flaxseed*, protein powder, and some organic milk, so I braved it. I was really trying to keep an open mind and not stereotype. I WAS. But dude, the people in that store were either (a) in workout gear (b) wearing no makeup or (c) sporting a variety of hemp jewelry. However, on the positive side, the employees were friendly. And the customers seemed much more laid-back than the ones at the Evil Empire. It was Sunday night, and only one checker was working, so there was kind of a line. But everyone just chilled and didn't act all impatient, and the line moved really fast. On the negative side, that healthy shit is expensive. I bought milk, yogurt, flaxseed, protein powder, and baby carrots, and it was like $35. (The protein powder alone was about $15.)

*Ground flaxseed comes in this big-ol' jar. It has to be refrigerated, and I don't know why. Anyway, when you open the jar, the stuff HOPS OUT. It's like it's ground up mexican jumping beans, or something. The other thing that's gross and I'm not buying ever again is the "natural" peanut butter. I opened the jar and it went everywhere and it's simultaneously slimy and gritty and you have to STIR it and REFRIGERATE it, which totally, in my opinion, defeats the whole purpose of peanut butter.

I will say, though, Mr. Abs Diet Guy (who has some complicated ass name and I don't feel like looking at the book right this minute, but if you check my bookshelfpage, it's on there) seems to understand that people don't have time to actually cook. He tells you what Lean Cuisines are okay, and most of the recipes involve the microwave or the blender. Still, this is more actual cooking than I've done in years. (Okay, ever.) And I don't like following directions, really, so of course I'm modifying all the recipes...especially the smoothie ones. For some reason, Mr. Abs Diet thinks people like bananas. Seriously. There are like three smoothie recipes out of 30 that don't involve bananas. And I despise bananas. They make me gag. (And spare me the penis-related jokes about that in my comments, mmkay?) Plus, he wants you to keep regular and chocolate organic milk, plain and vanilla low-fat yogurt, three kinds of everything else....I think not. My little fridge doesn't have room, and that shit goes bad. However, this modified recipe was totally yummy:

Orange-y Smooth-y

1 cup lowfat milk
2 tablespoons vanilla yogurt
1 tablespoon vanilla whey protein powder
1/4 cup frozen OJ concentrate
1 Dole Mixed Fruit cup, juice drained
6 ice cubes

Dump in blender, push buttons randomly till the texture seems appropriate. Makes 2 8-ounce servings, or one big-ass smoothie for those who are thirsty.

I'm sure you guys are wondering if I've been kidnapped by aliens, because I'm sure the LAST thing anyone ever expected to see here is recipes. This is what unemployment will do to you. I am so bored I could cry...or cook. See?

Loopy's SuperFly Microwave AbHealthy Burritos

1 package Uncle Ben's microwave whole grain brown rice
1 can Ranch Style Beans
1 small green onion
Several tablespoons of your favorite salsa
Low-fat Mexican shredded cheese
Low-fat sour cream
Whole-wheat tortillas (the Mission Low-Carb ones are better than the regular. The regular ones are like those rubber frisbee things you use to open jars.)

Microwave the rice according to package directions. In microwave-safe bowl, combine cooked rice, beans, chopped green onions, and salsa. Microwave this for a couple of minutes till it's hot. Spoon mixture into tortilla. Add shredded cheese. Microwave for about 45 seconds (long enough to heat the tortilla and melt the cheese). Add a few little blobs of sour cream to the top of the cheese, then fold the tortilla Taco-Bell Style. It makes enough for at least 4 big giant burritos. If you're single like me, the leftover bean/rice mixture can be refrigerated and re-nuked for several days.

NOTE: It would probably taste better with the Uncle Ben's spanish-style microwave rice, full-fat cheese (specifically pepper jack) and real tortillas. So if you're not dieting, do that. That's what the old me used to do. Actually, with the non-healthy version, the more cheese, the better. Velveeta, colby-jack, and pepper jack all melt together nicely for a little taste of heaven.


Back to my hot game of Text Twist.

And if anyone else wants to play exchange mix CD's, I'll play. (I know some other people have been doing this lately, so I'm just bandwagon jumping a little late.) E-mail me with your snail-mail info.

Party on, Wayne.



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