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1:31 p.m. - 2005-05-27
Bein' Interrogated by Mah Pimp, Yo.
Actually, it's not really an interrogation. Just an interview. And if any of you want one, by the rules of this "meme" (which is still the stupidest fucking word on the planet), I have to give you one. And if you want linkies from me, you have to interview me back.

So, here are my answers to Pimp's questions.

Q1: You are a bit of a maniac when it comes to music. How did you become so interested in music? Do you have a musical family? How many CD’s do you own?

I've been a music nut for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't say my family is totally musical, but my dad used to play guitar, and they always had some sort of music playing.

Since I was such a complete pain in the ass as a small child, my mother went to great lengths to ensure that I stayed entertained. One of the ways she did this was with records…which I played on my Mickey Mouse record player from my grandma (I think I was about 2.) I memorized all the songs, and would perform them if I thought I had any sort of audience. This included the grocery store, preschool, and the photo studio at Sears. My mom was very easily embarrassed (she didn't want people looking at her), and if I was around, well, people were looking. First it was the red hair, then the temper tantrums, then the performances. What's even worse is that people thought my mom MADE me learn all that stuff, and they would yell at her a lot.

Strangely, it wasn't until my grandfather died that I realized that there WERE some musicians in the family. My great-aunt and uncle, who I hadn't seen since I was 10, were at the funeral (I was 23), and my great-uncle is a bluegrass, banjo-playing kind of guy, and his daughters were very musical as well. Also, in the last few years, my brother has taken up the guitar, which really surprised me.

I guess what I'm saying is that music has always been a huge part of my life. Most of my memories have a soundtrack…and all I have to do is hear a few notes, and I'm right back in that moment.

I think I have about 250 commercial CD's, and about 50 or 60 that I've burned or that people have burned for me. I have a 200-disc CD player (which I actually hate…it's a pain in the ass when you want to take one out to listen to in the car or at work). There are at least 10 CD's that I want to buy right now, but I'm trying to control myself.

Q2: Continuing with the music theme, have you ever considered a career in or around the music industry? Have you ever considered playing an instrument? (or do you play and instrument currently?) What do you feel about bands/artists who don’t write their own music or lyrics?

When I started college, I was a music major. I wanted to do musical theater and/or opera. However, being a music major pretty much sucked donkey balls, plus ensured that it would take you at least 6 years to get a bachelor's degree. (You had to take classes that were no-credit, classes that met 5 times a week for 1 or 2 hours of credit, prerequisites that they never offered, blah blah blah.)

I would still like to be on stage at some point in the future…I keep thinking about auditioning for some community theater stuff, but I have yet to get off my ass.

I don't play any instruments. When I was a kid, I did have piano and violin lessons, but practicing wasn't my thing. I'd like to play piano again. I would have to have one of those electric pianos with headphone jacks, though, or (a) it would never go up the stairs at GhettoCentral Apartments, and (b) if it did, my neighbors would hate me as much as we hate the new chick.

As far as bands & artists, I don't care if they write their own music or not. Some singers/musicians are good songwriters, some are not. And some incredible songwriters can't sing worth a shit (cough*Bob Dylan*cough). I want the music/lyrics AND the performance to be good…not just one or the other. So, if you can sing and play, but your lyrics are lame as hell, get a ghostwriter and don't make us listen to some godawful Mariah-Carey-like cheesy shit on a stick.

At this point, the only career in or around the music business that I would actually consider is being a DJ. I don't want to be a manager or agent or entertainment lawyer, because then you have to deal with a bunch of temperamental, egocentric fucksticks. Actually, this is sort of a nice segue into the next question….

Q3: I understand that you work as a paralegal for your career. I think that every industry has phrases that are extremely funny when taken out of the context of that industry (for example, the chemical industry has
manholes, bungholes and bung wrenches, just to name a few… I’m not kidding) Are there any legal terms that are hysterical, but you’ve gotten used to hearing, so you don’t think of them as funny anymore?

Actually, nothing comes immediately to mind. What I find funny is that reporters present stories about legal issues (like criminal trials, appeals, divorces, and civil lawsuits), and they get so freakin' melodramatic about phrases like "Mr. Hot Shit filed for divorce, citing (dramatic pause) irreconcilable differences." It sounds so formidable, but really, those are the grounds in about 95% of divorces. Most people don't allege adultery or mental cruelty or whatever, because they would like their divorce to be final sometime during their lifetime…and alleging heinous shit will put your soon-to-be ex and their lawyer so far on the defensive that it will never be over. What I find the most funny about the divorce melodrama is that I'm sure at least some of the reporters have BEEN divorced, read their paperwork, and seen the phrase "irreconcilable differences." There was even a MOVIE named that.

Okay, I just thought of one that was funny to me…the person making a will is either called the "Testator" or the "Testatrix." It's just enough like "testicle" to be funny.

However, for the last year or so, I've reviewed medical records (research for litigation)…and THAT'S some funny shit. One of them actually said "I'm sending this patient to Dr. X in horizontal consultation." I laughed for like an hour…and thinking about it STILL makes me giggle.

Q4: Is there anything that you particularly love or hate about the legal profession? Write your answer in the best legalese that you can conjure up. (If your answer does not include at least one hitherto, I will be highly disappointed)


GoingLoopy, )
Plaintiff, )
vs. ) Case No. CJ-2005-1
The Legal Profession, )
Defendant. )


Comes now GoingLoopy, the plaintiff above-named, and for her cause of action against the Defendant, The Legal Profession (hereinafter "TLP"), she alleges and states as follows:

1. Plaintiff is a resident of both the Internet and Diaryland.

2. Plaintiff has been employed by TLP since the age of 22.

3. Plaintiff's first employment involved an alcoholic attorney. Said attorney's frequent absences from the office compelled Plaintiff to acquire rapid knowledge of the practice of law without a license. Further, said Attorney frequently paid Plaintiff with rubber checks.

4. Plaintiff's second employment involved an attorney who believed in extremely rigid rules. To-wit, Plaintiff was forced to do exactly the same things in exactly the same order every day. However, colleagues of Plaintiff were permitted to talk to their children and/or spouse five times a day; bring their sick children to the office, thus endangering Plaintiff's health; plan weddings; write letters; and take naps. Said attorney also kept a candy dish filled in her office, causing Plaintiff to gain 10 lbs. while there employed.

5. Plaintiff's third employment involved a family law attorney and a bankruptcy trustee. Said family law attorney expected Plaintiff to: keep track of personal appointments; locate things such as his keys, briefcase, and files on a daily basis; and deal with said attorney's emotionally disturbed clients. Said trustee refused to pay Plaintiff overtime, causing Plaintiff to realize that she could make more money as a manager at Taco Bell. Further, said trustee's penny-pinching habits resulted in chairs which caused backaches, computers which caused wrist-aches, and phones which caused hearing loss due to the obscene volume of the ringer.

6. Plaintiff's fourth employment involved a firm of lawyers who wished to have their proverbial cake and eat it too. This resulted in partners of the firm intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon their employees, of which class Plaintiff was a member.

7. As a result of Defendant's actions, Plaintiff has hitherto* suffered both physical and mental anguish, and has hitherto incurred medical bills as a result of said injuries caused by Defendant.

WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays for judgment against the Defendant in the amount of $10 million, for attorney fees and costs herein, and for such other and further relief as to the Court seems equitable and just.

Respectfully Submitted:

Plaintiff, Pro Se

*I put this in here so Pimp's feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Q5: I think that everyone who has an online journal (especially ones with a comment section) has a trumped-up part (or parts) of their online persona.
Do you feel that this is the case? Do you think that you are more outgoing/funny or less outgoing/funny in person than you are in D-Land?

Actually, I'm about the same as I am in "real life." Most of the comments I make are what I would say if someone told me the story in person…and if I could come up with it that snappily.

To a certain extent, I do agree that we're all a little more obnoxious online than we are in person. That's probably because, in person, our friends would tell us to shut the fuck up before we had finished spilling forth our pearls of wisdom. I also think that anyone with an online journal has some need to be noticed. I'm not saying everyone's a show-off, but given how much we all obsess over our stats and have counters and get upset when people take us off their buddy list…well, that's hardly the sign of someone who just wants to be left alone. Plus, this is fairly safe. Unless you're Dusty, or Judd, people aren't going to walk up to you on the street and go "Hey, aren't you that Loopy chick?" You get the satisfaction of knowing that people like what you produce, but you don't have to deal with the pitfalls of fame, or all that dirty money.

Oh. And just in case you were thinking about using this information against me...I did not receive Miranda warnings, so this confession is inadmissible.



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