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10:15 a.m. - 2005-10-25
Incompetence is the New Black.
Yes, I know, I’m slacking again and not updating, but seriously. I have been asstastically busy at work, and by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is think enough to write in complete sentences.

Plus…I really don’t have a whole lot to say at the moment. Other than I don’t know how some people manage to obtain gainful employment, because saying they are dumb as rocks would be an insult to rocks. There’s three of these incompetent morons at my office right now. Two of them are allegedly on their way out the door as soon as (hopefully not equally useless) replacements are procured.

One is theoretically a paralegal. She’s almost my age, acts 10 years younger, and has not the foggiest clue what she’s doing. Legal files are supposed to be in reverse chronological order, separated into court documents and correspondence. This is hardly complicated. You put the old shit on the bottom and the new shit on top.

She had a problem with this.

Not to mention, she is a whiny-ass, shrieky-voiced complainer, and has very ignorant opinions on every subject. Finally, since she manages to screw everything up…we can’t give her any of our shit-work to do. Which means she’s taking up space, annoying the crap out of everyone, and I still have to do stuff I hate. Like filing, and talking to annoying clients.

The second one is our runner. She’s supposed to go do errands, file things at the courthouse, cover the phones for the receptionist occasionally, fetch supplies from the basement…things of that nature. Here’s more of her typical day:

1. Call in sick for two days with a boil on her ass (I only wish I was kidding).
2. Come back, spend time talking on cell phone.
3. Go to courthouse. Stay gone for three hours even though courthouse is but three blocks away.
4. Bring back documents from courthouse which are not properly filed, signed by judges, etc.
5. Get yet another explanation of how to do things.
6. Ignore it. Talk on cell phone.
7. Go to basement to get supplies.
8. Stay gone for three hours, even though basement is but a short elevator ride away.
9. When paralegals come hunting for your ass, be hiding on a box in the corner, talking on cell phone.
10. Leave. Rinse. Repeat.

The third one is a law clerk. GEB is also a law clerk at this firm, but he only comes in on Thursday and Friday when he doesn’t have class. She was supposed to be the Monday to Wednesday person.

She graduates in December, and I’m stunned at the level of stupid she displays. She has never worked in a law office, but when you tell her how to do something…she either doesn’t get it, or argues with you about it, or both. The clerks’ office is also the mail room and supply room, and it has an old computer. She bitches about this incessantly. Plus, she’s been coming in EVERY day, and she spends all day hogging the computer when GEB needs to use it…and she really does not.

Since the useless employees are not supposed to do stuff, our boss told us we could make Little Miss Law Clerk our bitch for a while. This does not require the use of a computer. It requires a working knowledge of dates and the alphabet, and a willingness to go places like the courthouse. Miss Dumb Ass, though, thinks she’s too good for that.

I have a feeling she won’t last long, either.

Oh, yes, the contest. I believe that Lando is the winner, even though he only got 2.5 correct. So, let me know if you want me to guest-star for you, or if you want to guest-star for me.

Here are the answers:

1. “She loves me, I mean it’s serious.”
Jane’s Addiction-“Summertime Rolls”
2. “We’re gonna ride till there ain’t no more ago.”
Neil Diamond-“Cracklin’ Rosie”
3. “What if there were two, side by side in orbit, around a fairer sun.”
4. “I did too many drugs. Did you do too many drugs, too?”
Violent Femmes-“American Music”
5. “I was feelin’ near as faded as my jeans.”
Janis Joplin-“Me and Bobby McGee”
6. “Wear my mother’s lingerie, learn the songs of Broadway, and appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet.”
Bloodhound Gang-“I Wish I Was Queer”
7. “Hey mister if you’re gonna walk on water, could you drop a line my way?”
Counting Crows-“Omaha”
8. “Operatic loud voice, a fanatic by choice.”
Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Blood Sugar Sex Magik”
9. “If you buy that I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free.”
George Strait-“Oceanfront Property”
10. “I know I’m a mess that he don’t wanna clean up.”
Fiona Apple-“Paper Bag”

I really do want to play guest entries…so I’m giving you another chance. These are EASY.

1. “Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda.”
2. “I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong.”
3. “You can hang out with all the boys.”
4. “Put it in the pantry with your cupcakes.”
5. “Makin’ love in the green grass behind the stadium.”

E-mail me your answers.



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