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1:25 p.m. - 2005-11-21
\"I Want to Be Someone Else or I'll Explode\"
EDIT: As many of you may have noticed, my page no longer takes a zillion years to load. At least, I hope not. It doesn't on my computer, anyway. We all should say a big THANK YOU SISTAH to Clarity, because she figured out that it was the counter slowing things down. ALL HAIL THE GREAT AND POWERFUL CLARITY!!

I have a confession to make.

I actually watched a Lifetime Original Movie this weekend with BFRB.

However, in my defense, it wasnít just ANY Lifetime chunk oí cheeseÖit was a movie called Plain Truth, which is based on a book by Jodi Picoult, and the book was awesome. The movie? Not so much. It didnít READ like it had been simmering in the fondue pot for hours, but it sure did play that way. It was actually kind of funny, because the acting was so badÖunidentifiable accents, really fake laughter and tears, and a melodramatic surprise ending resplendent with some bloody scissors. (That was a spoiler. Oops. Iím sure youíre all just terribly upset.)

I am sure it will shock everyone that I went to see Harry Potter this weekend.

Anyway, after the Lifetime Cheese Festival 2005, I broke down and read the new book by Ms. Picoult that I bought at Target. I was going to save it for my trip later in the weekÖbutÖwellÖhaving a new book in the house is kind of like having a bag of M&Mís, or some Sun Chips, or something. I canít leave it alone, I canít just read a chapterÖI have to devour it until itís all gone. Dammit. Iím just going to have to buy a book at the airport, because if I go get another one tonight, Iíll read it.

Speaking of bingeingÖ.Iím having some serious problems with the food thing here lately. I cannot make myself stop. Yesterday, I bought some Swedish Fish (candy), and ate them while I was reading my book. This morning, I feel like my entire intestinal tract, from one end to the other, is filled with gas.

Why do I do shit like this? Why can I not stop shoving food in my mouth, even when I feel completely sick afterwards? Sugar never used to do this to me, but here lately, every time I eat something with a lot of sugar, I have this sour taste in my mouth and my stomach feels icky. My body is clearly telling me to knock this shit off. And Iím trying. Iím good for a week or so, and then itís like this compulsion takes over. Iím tired of it.

I wrote about my food addiction here. The further I go on, the more I realize how true it isÖthat this is an addiction. Itís worse than smoking, at least for me. I can go without a cigarette longer than I can go without food.

The thing is, itís like the more stressed out I am, the more unhappy I am with the things happening in my life, the worse it is. When I feel like work and life are cool, I have a lot easier time going to the gym and a lot easier time avoiding the binge. But right now, Iím not really happy, Iím having some doubts about my chosen career, Iím exercising but not losing enough weight, and I am faced with the prospect of the holidays, which are not always the best time of year for me.

I canít figure out what it is about me. Most people feel better when they take control of their lives. Somehow, for me, the thing that relieves my stress is letting everything goÖmy house is a sty, my eating habits suck, Iím not sleeping worth a shit, and I cannot seem to make myself do what I need to do.

I decided that I hate Weight Watchers. There are a couple of reasons why. First, get a bunch of fat people together, and you know what they talk about? Food. And not making better choices, either. The conversation is all about how to sneak in as much shit that is bad for you as possible. SecondÖI hate rules. And WW is all about the rules. My rebellious Inner Brat sees these points and counting and all that rot, and she says: ďRULES!! LETíS BREAK THEM!!Ē While this mentality has helped me at some points in my lifeÖitís not so good when you are trying to make positive changes.

However, there was one thing they discussed at a meeting that actually made sense. I cannot remember which famous dead guy said this (I think it was Winston Churchill, maybe), but the quotation was something like: ďIt is not enough to do your best. You must do what is required.Ē

My best usually involves a few days of righteous working out and denial of baser food cravings followed by a binge or two and some (metaphorical) self-flagellation. What is required is to eliminate the bingeing part and the righteous part. This is not a contest, either against others or against myself. It is something which needs to be done, or I will always wonder what I could have made of my life had I not been buried under a pile of fat.

Iím thinking I may need to see a therapist again. I spent a long time in therapy (although I only went once a month), and I was able to deal with some of my depression issues. But clearly, there is still some empty place in my head or my heart that Iím trying to fill. I donít feel lonely. I have great friends, I get laid fairly regularly, I have a job, a car, a place to live, cute little fluffy meowsÖso whatís missing?

That is what I must figure out, before I give up on myself.



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