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4:25 p.m. - 2006-01-11
Fear and Loathing in Oklahoma City
Just a warning. If you're looking for funny, please move along, because you won't find that here.

I pretty much completely hate myself right now.

First of all, I have not accomplished too much that is productive since losing my job. I had lunch with my friends twice, took out the trash, cleaned out the fridge, and that's about it. The rest of the time, I have been playing my new favorite game, TriJinx. Furthermore, I have been eating like a big fat piggie and have not been to the gym in at least 10 days. And, I haven't been sleeping worth a shit.

Depression, you are an evil flapping twat.

All of these activities...even the slacker ones...should at least give me some joy. But they have not.

I've had a few nibbles on the job front, but the thought of working in yet another fucking law office makes me physically sick. I am so tired of it. I don't want to sit through any more interviews where the attorneys and/or office administrators lie like rugs and tell me that no, they don't have a high turnover rate and you actually get raises and you don't have to be anyone's bitch...and at the end of the interview, after I have had to pretend to be all fucking cheerful and shit for an hour of my life that I would rather be doing just about anything else, find out that their idea of a salary is what I was making five years ago, and that it will be 2007 before I get anything resembling a vacation.

Fuck a bunch of that.

Of course, if I don't take the path of least resistance, it means that I will actually have to make a decision I have been avoiding for quite some time, namely: if I am not going to do what I have been doing, what the fuck AM I going to do?

I've tried this shit before. I send out resumes, some real, some lightly embellished. I write cover letters that are all ass-kissy and basically beg for an interview. I even go on interviews. Then the fucking asshats in whatever position of hiring power basically reject me because I have no experience.

God, this pisses me the fuck off.

I don't want to go back to school. I have a perfectly good bachelor's degree. I don't want to go to law school, or to get an MBA, or anything of the sort. I want to have a job that pays well and that I sort of like.

I read the diaries of all my buddies, and everyone has at least one moronic co-worker who can't find a clue with both hands. If people will actually hire this sort of employee, and then not fire them for a really long time....WHY IN THE FUCK WILL THEY NOT HIRE ME???????

I am so tired of being stuck in a box. I am tired of being told I am not good enough. I am tired of being poor, tired of struggling, tired of being miserable.

I went to the Biggest Loser audition. Six hours of waiting for ten minutes in a group with a casting director. They said they would make the calls that night if they wanted to do another interview.

They didn't call.

I knew somehow in my heart that it was unlikely they would, but I can't seem to stop being upset about it. It's the loss of a dream. It's the loss of my possibility of escape from the hell I have done my best to create around me.

It's a real loss of hope.

I have tried not to give up. I have tried to believe that losing something means you gain something else. But all I have gained is weight on my body and weight on my heart and weight on my mind.

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eyes

The lyrics are from the song "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon.

I am so tired of being dead weight, so tired of who I am and what I have become. I am tired of trying to crack jokes and pretend I don't care about anything when the reality is that things have wounded me so deeply that I am not sure the infection will heal. I am afraid to commit to anything...especially a relationship...because what I fear the most from people I love is that they will not love me back, or perhaps just that they will not love me back ENOUGH.

Maybe that is why I'm afraid to really take action and commit to loving myself. I am afraid that I don't either. I am afraid to commit to wanting something. It's so much easier to say I hate things and don't want them, because then I don't have to deal with the pain that comes from not getting them.

This is why I hate New Year's Resolutions.

At least if I don't put things on paper, if I don't promise myself that I will do things, if I don't admit formally that things need to change, maybe I will avoid the hurt that happens when they don't.

I. Am. Afraid.

I am afraid of always weighing 275 pounds.

I am afraid of never being loved.

I am afraid of my light being hidden for so long that it dies out, and I don't even notice when it does.

I am afraid that I will never take steps to change these things, because I am so scared of failing, so scared of not even having a hopeful fantasy.

I am afraid that people who say depression is not an illness are right. I am afraid that I really am that weak.

It kills me to admit these things.



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