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11:55 a.m. - 2006-01-18
\"I'll Make the Most of It, I'm an Extraordinary Machine\"
I have been doing a great deal of soul-searching over the last week, trying to figure out exactly what my motivation was for wanting to be on a reality TV the point that I actually went to a SECOND casting call in Kansas City. Shut it. I wasn't done with the rejection yet, and I had nothing better to do...

Of course, it proved as fruitless as the first. Plus, it sucked ass. In Dallas, the location was a facility that people use for meetings, wedding receptions, etc. There were video games, and pool tables, and shuffleboard, and a bar, and a menu, and plenty of tables and chairs and bathrooms. We had to wait outside for a little while (and the weather was gorgeous) and then we got to go and sit and get our drink on and our snack on.

Kansas City? Picture downtown. Picture cold as hell. Picture STANDING THE FUCK OUTSIDE FOR SIX FUCKING HOURS. And...picture having to pay a total of $17.50 ($8.75 each way) to drive across one of the most boring fucking states in the entire U.S.


Being that I expected to be able to (a) sit down and (b) not be in the cold and (c) checked the weather and thought it was going to be was miserable. If I had balls, I would have frozen them off. Luckily, the girl next to me in line had an extra coat in her car (and luckily this was a fat people activity, so she wore the same size, so I wasn't tormented by a coat that would contain exactly one of my arms). Also luckily, the people around me were cool, and we entertained ourselves. But my feet? Were frozen. I had on work-type shoes with thin trouser-type socks, and after about the first hour, they were so numb that walking was difficult. There were public restrooms nearby, and a coffee shop and some little restaurants, but the idea of actually disrobing to pee when it was that cold made everyone reluctant to guzzle coffee.

I finally get to go in, leave, drive home, revel in the beauty of the heater in the car...and wake up yesterday with my feet in excruciating pain. Once the imminent frostbite wore off, I guess the tootsies realized that they had been standing up for six hours. Oy.

I would say that the whole adventure was a colossal waste of time...but it really wasn't.

First of all, I'm over it now. I can now accept that The Biggest Loser is not in my destiny.

Second of all, it gave me some time to think.

I came to the conclusion that I am fascinated with the idea of transformation.

My favorite "reality" type shows have always been the makeover ones. The ones where someone goes in ugly and comes out hot.

Part of the problem I have with the whole weight-loss process is the time it takes. It is a transformation, but it's not a quick or easy one. Your friends see you the whole time, so you don't get that dramatic moment where you come out from behind the curtain and get to see all the faces of the people you care about looking at you with something like awe. Instead, you get everyone asking about your diet and exercise and while you know it's an honest interest and concern, you know that they want you to still feels almost like nagging and, for me, the rule and nagging hater, it's hard not to want to rebel.

I KNOW I can't do this all by myself...that I should appreciate that my friends give a shit and want to know what's working...I feel like I want to hide away until a major change takes place.

In all of my daydreams and fantasies, I am all gorgeous and successful and have my shit together, and I run into someone who shit all over me in the past, and they suddenly respect me and apologize for all their misdeeds...

This is just sick and wrong. At least, though, the people from my past have not all gone to seed in my dreams...I don't want them to be miserable and fat and unhappy. Or at least not THAT miserable...*snicker*. I just want to be on a level playing field.

The other thing that appealed to me about The Biggest Loser? The audience. The deadline. The knowing that on some finite date, I will have to go on TV in front of everyone, and if I look like crap, that will not be acceptable. In "real life," you don't have a deadline for weight loss.

So, since I don't have a deadline...I at least want an audience. I have started a weight-loss diary. I decided to lock it for now, but, depending on how it goes, I might not leave it that way. If you want the password, e-mail me. I will do a weekly weigh-and-measure-in, and will post photos...although my digital camera is fried and so I have to use a disposable film camera, so the pictures may not be up until the camera is full. I know a few other people are doing these types o' diaries, and I would love to share your experiences too. We can make our own virtual ranch...and at least we won't get voted off.

Oh mister
Wait until you see
What I'm
Gonna be
I got a plan, a demand, and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree
Here's coming a better version of me

Thank you guys for all the comments and e-mails regarding my last entry. I really appreciate the encouragement. It really meant a lot to me.



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