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3:35 p.m. - 2006-04-25
Dear Readers (Wait. Do I Still Have Any?)
Dear Manufacturers of Gillette Quattro for Women:

I like the superclose shave that comes from that fourth blade. I like that the handle is substantial and doesn’t threaten to fly out of your hand. I even like that the blades are wrapped in fine wire, so that you allegedly cannot suffer serious cuts of the type that bleed for three days and cause you to have to wear long skirts and/or pants even though you shaved your legs so you can wear shorts.

But notice I said “allegedly.” Because I have cut my stupid ankle EVERY SINGLE TIME I have used these blades.

I may have to go back to my Venus. Then again, you guys won’t give a shit, since you overcharge for those blades, too.

Cuttingly,
GoingLoopy


Dear Fellow Downtown Drivers:

Please learn what the following things mean:

(1) Red lights
(2) Green lights
(3) Lane markers
(4) Turn signals
(5) No parking signs
(6) Bus stops
(7) Speed limit signs
(8) Crosswalks

And adjust your driving accordingly.

Correctively,
GoingLoopy


Dear Dell:

I know, I know. My laptop is not the newest model. But I am quite sure that, when it was manufactured, people played video games and movies and shit on their computers, and therefore, needed video cards that didn’t suck. Clearly, ya’ll missed that memo, and also missed the one where one could upgrade said video card without having to ship that crap back to your ass and wait six weeks and pay as much as it costs to buy a new computer.

Furthermore, for some reason, you only made it possible to replace one of the RAM chips by yourself…not both. Again, this would involve sending the crap back to you, and instead of two minutes, a screwdriver, and a $40 memory card, you would have to have $300 and not care that you won’t have your computer for three to six weeks.

Byte me,
GoingLoopy


Dear Lando’s Boss:

Dude, seriously. You need to give him the whole weekend off. Every weekend. This will accomplish two things. Lando will quit perceiving you as a giant asshole, and he will be a much happier and more content employee who will not have fantasies of winning the lottery and not only quitting himself, but paying everyone else who works there to quit at the same time.

Employees are people too,
GoingLoopy


Dear Annoying Attorney in My Office:

Let me clarify a few things, since you don’t appear to get it:

(1) I am not retarded; in fact, I would bet money that my IQ is higher than yours
(2) The case that we had going to trial in a month settled
(3) I have three other ones that didn’t
(4) Therefore, you giving me busywork and making me run back and forth to your office all day is really starting to piss me off in a major way.

Not to mention, you make gross snorty/farty noises, and your cologne smells like boiled goat ass and gives me a headache. Quit bugging the hell out of me, mmmkay?

Respectfully,
GoingLoopy


Dear University of Oklahoma:

Quit having your fucking graduation on my birthday weekend. You have managed to ruin my birthday since college….and that was longer ago than I want to admit. I mean, I already have to deal with that Mother’s Day shit.

Partyingly,
GoingLoopy


Dear Playhut:

Your EZ-Twist 10’ x 10’ Screen Room with Solar Lights is advertised as easy to assemble and store. What you fail to mention is that it is NOT easy to get into it’s little carry bag. Sure, the shit twists OPEN and sets up fast. But once it’s flattened out, it is not twisting into the promised 3’ x 3’ area, at least not without taking a hacksaw and/or blowtorch to the plastic framing.

Furthermore, the instructions you provide suck, and go from the tent in a “shrimp-like C-shape” to it being all folded up without any indication of how one is supposed to do this.

Your website provides videos of how to set and strike the kiddie versions of your products (which, let’s face it, aren’t very fucking big in the first place and could be flattened and shoved under the bed), but doesn’t give much help to adults who want their own play hut, dammit, because their parents thought that all they needed was some couch cushions, pillows, and some old ratty blankets.

And I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit about how BFRB bought it on eBay instead of in a store, because it shouldn’t matter. The shit should work, and should not make two college graduates who figured out their other, way more complicated tent, feel like drooling idiots.

Twist this,
GoingLoopy

 

 

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