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1:53 p.m. - 2006-06-09
Gimme a K! Gimme a C! What's That Spell? FUCK I'M READY FOR THE WEEKEND!
Ever notice that the words “herbicidal disinfectant” and “spermicidal lubricant” are almost the same? I was sitting getting my nails done, and happened to glance at a jar on the counter which contained some sort of disinfecting liquid, and for a minute there, I could have sworn I saw the words “spermicidal lubricant.”

Wonder what’s on my mind…


Obviously, I lied like a politician about updating again more frequently, but life has been getting in the way. Specifically, work has been getting in the way of life. I had my first out of town hearing at my new job, and it was with a high-maintenance attorney whom I have dubbed “Mr. Meeting.” Why, you ask? Because instead of sending an email with instructions for tasks to be performed, his emails merely contain the words “please come see me about this case.”

His office? On the opposite side of our floor.

The instructions? Usually one sentence.

Typing doesn’t take that long, dude.

At least he’s not an asshole. Neurotic, yes, but not a giant penis. I think my next hearing may be with someone who is both. Thankfully, this is not for several months.

Anyway, the hearing was in Kansas City, or some yuppie suburb thereof. The layout of the town wasn’t too confusing in terms of streets, but if you go there, you best not be one of those people who navigates via landmarks, because everything looks alike. There are many, many, brick-faced strip malls with tasteful, non-obtrusive signs.

Look, dammit, I live in tacky trash land, and I’m used to some neon informing me of where Taco Bell and Starbucks are. I am not used to having to drive like a grandma because I can’t tell if the miniature letters say Quickie Mart or Proctology Clinic. Plus, there was a suspicious lack of driveways into any of these strip malls. It could be a gargantuan retail complex, and there would be one miniature driveway hidden in a back alley after you drove around the block.

I made ya’ll a picture…see?

Of course, in the process of scanning my attempt at cartography, it got all goofy looking, and you can’t read the important part about the entrance. But it’s the thing the arrow is pointing to.

I did take the digital camera that Lando contributed to the birthday, but I didn’t get a chance to take any actual photos. It was boring anyway. If you’ve seen one yuppie suburb, you’ve seen them all…and if you’ve managed to avoid seeing one thus far, you’re really not missing much.

The trip was weird for me. So many things about it remind me of my college speech and debate days. The tension, the preparation, the working 14 hours a day, the packing, and the feeling like you’re a million miles away from your “real” life and that you’ve been gone a month even though it’s only been three days. It also sucks that when you don’t get your whole weekend with the person whom you have grown accustomed to spending the weekends with, you miss them more.

It’s surreal. That feeling of separation. It doesn’t help that you really don’t have much time to surf the net or play games or talk on the phone, and that you are trapped in a room with a bunch of boys trying to out-macho one another all freaking day every day.

The hearing actually only took two days (it was scheduled for four), and I wanted to get in the fucking car as soon as it was over and drive home. Mr. Meeting says he needs a nap, and time to pack. I, being my usual patient self, was all “I’ll pack for you and you can sleep in the car,” but he was having none of that. Therefore, I was forced to wait around until almost 8:30 to leave.

Once we finally get on the road, he calls the office to report in, and he calls his wife. He makes some comment about “you’ll have to let me in…” and I abruptly realize that, despite my very thorough packing of all my stuff and all the office stuff…

I left my fucking keys at the fucking hotel.

FUCK. SHIT. PISS. FUCKITY FUCKITY MOTHERFUCKITY ASS FUCK. DAMMIT ON A STICK.

He turned around.

By the time we got the keys and got back on the road, we’d lost over an hour. Which meant that instead of arriving home at around 1:45…we got home at 3. A.M.

I made it to the office yesterday by 9:30, but left at 3, went home, played some World of Warcraft, and took a nap from which Maggie, otherwise known as the Feline Alarm Clock, woke me up.

It’s very hard to stay motivated right now. I didn’t get a weekend last weekend, and I am by god ready for this one. Plus, my friendly semi-supervising paralegal totally cleaned up my desk while I was gone…which makes it even harder to give a shit today.

So instead, I’m drawing pictures and updating my poor neglected little blog.

 

 

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