11:12 a.m. - 2005-02-28
Let me explain a little something to all of you, since you don't appear to get it. You don't need any more expensive cars. You don't need a bigger house. Your wife doesn't need any more plastic surgery. Your kids don't need to be in more exclusive schools.
Perhaps you don't know what it's like to be unemployed, so let me fill you in. You're worried about (gasp) paying your bills. You feel like a big fucking idiot. You know you should be using the time for something productive, like all the projects you've been meaning to do, but you just can't motivate yourself. You don't want to take some shitty-ass job just because you need a paycheck, but the more resumes you send without any fucking response at all, the more you think maybe your lot in life is to flip burgers or stuff tacos.
In other words, being job-free pretty much sucks. And since you're the ones responsible, you pretty much blow the goat ass too.
I realize that my mother is coming to visit next weekend. I further realize that I have met your mother on a number of occasions. Oh, wait. That's because you were LIVING in her HOUSE. However, this does not mean that you need to meet my mother. Why can't you just accept that we're basically fuck-buddies and quit with this "relationship" bullshit?
Further, you need to quit fucking up your computer. I realize that this is probably because, despite evidence that your brother's computer skills are on par with those of a 3 year old, you continue to let him use your computer. However, you would think that, after you've had to wipe the hard drive and start over at least three times in the last year, you would at least know how to do this. And know what "drivers" are.
Get a clue, soon, before I have to hurt you,
Why can't you just become magically clean overnight? Why must I exhibit effort? Don't you understand that mommy is coming to visit, and she's a neat freak, so I need you to look pretty for a change?
Dear YMCA Patrons:
Have you ever heard of any of the following: deodorant, water, soap, shampoo, and/or clean clothing? Because for real, the stench is unbelievable. Further, even though you have on headphones, and probably can't hear the grunting noises you are making that sound like you are either (a) having some really good sex or (b) taking a really satisfying shit, the rest of us can hear them very clearly. Finally, if you're going to hog the weight equipment, it might be a good idea to visit with one of the trainers and learn how to use it correctly. Because what you're doing will lead to either (a) serious injury or (b) serious mocking by other people at the gym.
Do it right or don't do it,
Dear TV Producers:
No one gives a shit about awards shows. The Oscars are supposed to be the pinnacle, but by the time they come around, we've already seen so many other ones that we're hard pressed to do anything but check the internet for the list of winners, which none of us will agree with anyway.
Why is it that, every time I find a product I like, you quit making it? First it was my favorite lipstick. Then it was my favorite ice cream. And now, it's my favorite tennis shoes. Your continual new-and-improving shit sucks donkey balls. It causes me to spend time and money looking for adequate replacements...and never quite finding them.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it,