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3:30 p.m. - 2004-12-29
Curl Up and Let the Waves Crash Over Me
I don't know what it is about insomnia and depression, but they certainly seem to go together like college students and alcohol. Each can exist without the other, but when they are together, which they frequently are, it's hard to know where to place blame for the crazy shit.

Did that make sense? Didn't think so.

I've tried a variety of sleep aids, and nothing works. NyQuil makes me feel sleepy for about 5 minutes, and by the time I pull back the covers and lay down, I'm wired. Tylenol PM doesn't work very fast, and when it does, forget hearing the alarm clock. Various prescription sleep aids work intermittently. Warm milk and chamomile tea induce instant vomiting. (I can barely choke down plain milk when it's practically frozen, and warm just makes me think "food poisoning". Tea…again, icy icy cold it MIGHT be drinkable in a pinch, but warm? Gag.) Weed? Nope. Alcohol? Maybe, but then I wake up in three hours with a blinding headache and can't go back to sleep. Sex? Nope (wakes me up even more).

Even the stupid movies aren't working…sometimes if I play one that I've seen a zillion times, it's enough to make my brain unfocus on its nighttime weirdo random thoughts but familiar enough that I get bored and fall asleep…but even that's not working. I'm just staying up and watching the movie.

Last night, I bought a new video game. (Today's time waster will be the link.) Bejeweled 2. It has an option called "Relax with the Endless Game." You can't die. It just keeps going and going. Kind of like my mind here lately.

Can we all tell I'm a little bit "loopy" from lack of sleep? Mmmmkay.

See, insomnia is one of the symptoms of depression. And, yeah, I'm medicated. However, sometimes, for whatever reason, the medication decides not to work for a little while. So I'm down in the dumps for no reason, and I can't sleep, which makes me even more worn out, and right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

While a part of me would LOVE to pin this on Christmas with the family, my shreds of rational thought are vehemently denying this. Christmas was eventful, and occasionally annoying, but nothing which would provoke this….

I guess there is always something about being in Houston that fucks with my head a little, though. First of all, I ALWAYS see people I know. Usually at the airport, but sometimes out shopping, etc. This either makes me feel like (a) I really do sort of have my shit together or (b) that I'm a complete slacking loser. Last Christmas and Labor Day were (a). This Christmas….was (b). Running into the girl I was mean to in 5th grade and finding out that she's a cardiologist did fuck with me. Granted, we really didn't have that much in common when we were friends, but there are better ways to end a friendship than name calling and being a little 12 year old bitch. And she's still pretty dorky…I recognized her immediately, which could have not been the case. However, she has put her mind to some good use, which I don't know that I'm really doing.

Plus, it's so weird when you go back to the place you grew up and it's not the same any more. Houston is constantly growing and growing. Roads go new places, there are new houses and new stores and new freeways….it's like those human body drawings in anatomy books. We had one when I was a kid. It starts with the outline of the body. Then there are these transparent overlays with each body system: circulatory, respiratory, gastrointestinal, etc. As you put each one over, the shape of the human is still there, but it keeps getting more and more crowded.

I just wish I could understand why Prozac quits working sometimes. I've been diagnosed with "double depression," or dysthymia (general low-grade malaise) with major depressive episodes. I guess Prozac's good enough for the low-grade, but can't quite attack the big ones. And I suppose that it might be good, in a way, for me to be reminded that I'm taking medication for an illness…that it's not just something my mind can overcome. My conscious mind can help me out of the hole, but it's not what's digging the pit.

Speaking of "big ones," the death toll from the tsunami is absolutely frightening. Every time I get online to check my mail, the numbers in the headline get higher. I also wonder how this will affect the situation in Iraq. If we're not being "stingy," our forces might be put to better use cleaning up destruction rather than causing it. Kind of like that saying from the 60's …. "What if they threw a war and nobody came?" Wouldn't that be cool? If the fighting could stop and people could come together to help those who truly need it? Think about it. The added total of troops killed in Iraq and victims of the WTC bombing is about 5% of the number of people killed by the tsunami.

Even though I'm not really a fan of religion, it's things like this that make me unwilling to be an atheist. This is a message from the universe about getting your priorities in order. The question is, will anyone listen?



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